As usual, I'm pretty excited for Autumn. This weekend has been mostly overcast and cool, and more leaves have fallen. It gets noticeably dark sooner, and there's been lots of talk about the appropriate time to turn the heat on in one's home. All of this brings a smile to my face, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Along with the excitement for, or perhaps because of my excitement for, this season, I am also pretty pleased and excited for other things in my life as well. Particularly, I feel quite enthused about the upcoming times I will be spending with Adrienne: study sessions in a cozy coffee house, going to a UM football game, Nightmare Before Christmas, pumpkin carving parties, Halloween/Costume parties, Thanksgiving.
In other news, I told her that I think I'm ready to start dating again. It's something I've been mulling over for a while, and took extra time to give the thought it's due diligence, so we'll see how this goes. (Interestingly enough, she elected not to give me any response)
Dear Vox, please include a rotate button for your picture widget.
Well, I had intended on talking about self-denial last night, but instead got roped into watching Benjamin Button again. Which subsequently led to the same outcome as last time, whereby I end up misty-eyed and making a hasty exit from the room.
This, because that final scene where he's an infant and she an old woman, and she's holding him close and rocking him--that scene personifies everything I've ever wanted out of life; a sort of deep-rooted bond that transcends time, and even in his vulnerability as an infant and senility as an old man, she takes care of him.
And it makes me sad because I do not feel I have found that
...more about me, Taylor, and our future family.
The short of it is between my discovery of You Belong With Me in July and the album Fearless in August, I've developed a crush on her. This, despite my condescension toward the notion of a celebrity crush. She just speaks to me, age be damned. When I heard that song, it perfectly modeled the interaction with an old lady friend of mine who recently resurfaced as things were falling apart with my ex.
Taylor is "Sitting on a park bench thinking to myself: hey isn't this easy?" -- and I'm sitting on Mandy's couch, those lyrics running through my head, and thinking to myself: isn't this so easy? And there were a number of times where I had just gotten off the phone with my girlfriend, upset with me yet again. But Mandy and I always got each other. She said I got a smile that could light up the whole town, she said she hadn't seen it in a while. "Can't you see I"m the one that understands you, been here all along so why can't you see, you belong with me?" Maybe I hadn't considered that very fact. How insightful Taylor; how loyal of you to stick it out for that guy.
Interested, I download Taylor's entire album to find that the whole thing is a great listen. She plays with certain motifs throughout the album--dancing in the rain, 2 AM, others. She has two tracks where she hums a melody in a lower alto range that just kills me every time I hear it and I can just imagine her sitting next to me humming some whimsical melody in my ear. She sings of a head-first, fearless kind of love that I now remember experiencing myself, and so sorely miss. She sings about Romeo and Juliette, how she's been feeling so alone. She sings about such folly, that she's really not a princess and this isn't a fairytale. She cleverly sets up a march under lyrics about the 'ideal' guy, only to counter the chorus with a rock anthem as she sings about the guy she really wants to be with, closing the song with a subtle clue as to what ended up happening there. It is a concept album of sorts; and this, from a 19-year-old who writes her own songs. She transcends her age.
Curious of her achievements, I research her story to find that she has a developed understanding of English Literature, wrote a full length novel once, writes poetry quite well, writes her own songs, had vigilantly been trying to get noticed on the country music scene from a very young age, and was picked on at high school. Basically, she's smart, well-versed, has her own tormented past, is motivated, and sings like a bell, and looks like an angel in a sparkling dress with stage lighting upon her. I watch a few youtube vids of hers (she makes sure to note they are 'self directed'); she's got touching home video footage for "Best Days", and a hysterical and endearing capture of her watching the CMA award announcements as she screams and smiles and gets excited as her name is read, and...she's affecting.
Taylor Swift writes mature, telling, and deep lyrics. She writes and sings clever melodies. She's got academic chops, I love the sound of her voice, and she has a wild, crazy, adventurous, and fun side. And this is how a 25 yr old develops a crush on her.
I miss screaming and yelling and kissing in the rain, it's 2 AM and I"m cursing your name, you're so in love that you're acting insane--and that's the way I loved you.
This idea came to me about a week ago. Not novel, nor requiring any great intelligence for discovery -- some may even say 'self evident' -- for reasons which I may never reveal, or possibly in the subsequent paragraph, I'm seeking to start writing again. That is the idea; told you it wasn't novel.
It would appear that the revelation of my return will, indeed, occur here: writing in the moment is meritorious, particularly for future endeavors, interest, and reference. It allows one, if not explicitly, nevertheless the opportunity to relieve the moment, event, or idea in the spirit of the moment in which it occurred. So, that is why I am endeavoring to return, because there is a whole 2 year period (or worse) that I've gone dark, and now I have no record of how I got to where I am today (other than those blasted mental constructs known as 'memories', prone to fault).
Half the reason I ceased writing was because of a perceived lack of time; it invariably takes me probably three times the amount of time to write anything once as it does anybody else--the benefit being that I only need to write once (a sort of perpetual/living draft). So, that being the case, I will try to limit the subsequent posts, as holds true here, to stream-of-consciousness, else I will never get anything written, and I will certainly abandon the entire task.
Lastly, please no preconceptions that what I write will have any interest to you whatsoever; the function of this blog, as it currently stands, is a tool, or a means, to some other, broader , goal--which would be the same one that I just conjectured I would not be divulging two paragraphs ago, and shan't be after all. Of course, this entire paragraph assumes I even have a 'you' to speak to, which I very likely do not. Either way is quite fine, you may come along for the ride, if 'you' indeed exist.
Next order of business (and I may need a reminder, as I forget everything these days): I've been mentally rehearsing a blog about Taylor Swift that must be put to paper. As I am a 25-yr-old male former engineer, this will also require a bit of explanation. Stay tuned.
remember me? :)
so i have no idea who even used this anymore..but it's been a year since i posted...
life is fairly good these days :) that new boy i was talking about a year ago...well were pretty much married now, & we would be together a year in 2 weeks :D & ive never been happier. he moved in here a few months ago & things are absolutely perfect with him. :)
i'm still not in school because of financial issues but i'm on the list to go to school for aesthetics in may. i'm super nervous & scared but it's time to do something.
i work at lasenza currently. i love it there. i work with the BEST group of girls possible & its great. i just need to make more money lol. i have a maxed out credit card, car & insurance payments & student loan payments. but i'll get through.
still working on the whole ed thing. ive gained a LOT in a year...but this time around i'm trying to stay healthy & change my lifestyle for the better. just as im typing this i'm considering taking me boyfriend to the store with me to get a creme egg hahah. but seriously. ive been losing, just verrrrry slowly. i can do this.
anyways, i dont know whos still on this, but feel free to facebook me to keep in touch, it's pretty much all i do online nowadays lol <3
I'm going to Paint Your Pot tomorrow for McKinsey's birthday. I think that's it.
Bye everybody!
Unfortunately, I can't make up my mind. I went back to posting on livejournal. =P
But I'll keep this for reading your entries if that's ok.
It's only been a few days, but i really miss Scott right now. I could really use his support right now. Work has been challenging these past two days. I'm comfortable in the classroom, but it was only my second day today and i was already being put in completely independent positions without TOO MUCH guidance. The kids won't listen to me or respect me. They're very spoiled since it is a private school. I don't know how to get them to listen to me. I use my firm voice, but they just mock me. They're 3 years old, so what can i really do. I wish they were all like me when i was a kid.. scared of authority and obedient. I guess that's my problem--i'm just as self-centered as they are. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. I'm not used to being my own boss, i'm used to having a boss tell me exactly what to do. When something goes wrong, i'm not used to being the one to pick up the pieces--it's usually me telling the boss what went wrong and them telling me how to fix it.
I'm scared. Sunday night, the night before i started my first day, i panicked a little because it was the start of not being able to stay up late until the weekends, when i'm already going to be used to sleeping early. It's the start of sleeping early, waking up early, no free choice to NOT go, and no real ability for vacation. This is it, i'm stuck. I miss how i got to choose my schedule in college and i can opt for no monday, wednesday, and friday classes like i did this past semester. I miss the convenience of everyone in close proximity. I miss the simplicity that college life brought to me.
Most of all, i miss Scott being in close proximity to me. I miss coming home to him after a long stressful day of work and having him hold me. I miss everything about college and it's simplicity i suppose. Scott seemed to make everything better always. How is it that one person can do that?! I remember when we first met and i hadn't a care in the world. Well, except for Aldene breaking up with me and crushing my heart. Other than that, i was really into my music, very into artistic things, wore crazy clothes, and would sing in the midst of the hallways and showers. That was the girl Scott met and fell in love with. Him.. he was so playful. The first day we met was when i went to my friend Alexa's room where he was hanging out looking for Alexa, who wasn't there. Her roommate was. I said my hello's and carried on. He later made Alexa and her roommate ask me to go to the dining hall so he can tag along and get to know me. Within 5 minutes we somehow knew of each other's recent breakups from long term relationships. I was still a tad upset, but moving on. He wanted me to cheer up so he picked me up and spun me around. I was confused and startled, and asked him what that was for. He said he wanted to spin my troubles away and that everyone could use a little pick-me-up to pretend you're child every once in a while.
I think it was at that very moment that i started to fall in love with him.
He made everything about the Aldene situation appear so miniscule and simple. We talked, we cried, and we laughed about both of our breakups. Being near him and being with him just felt so safe and made everything seem okay when it felt like my world was falling apart because of Aldene. He said i made him feel the same way too.
We were completely inseparable from there on out. He came up to my room every single night to make sure he said good night to me--We weren't even dating yet. Everyone knew we wanted to be with each other. We were the only ones that knew it wasn't a good idea at that moment. Obviously we were both still hung up on our ex's.
The last day of freshman year arrived and i don't know why, but i felt a sense of loss. It felt as though everything i learned about being independent, safe, and better was going to fall apart because i wouldn't see Scott for the entire summer. He promised he would visit, but he didn't. On that last day, he told me something i will never forget. He told me that when he first met me, he knew we would know each other for the rest of our lives because i made him feel something no one has ever made him feel. He didn't promise me a relationship, but he did promise me a long-lasting friendship. I teared up a little, and he saw that. So he picked me up like he did when we first met and spun me around to "shake those tears away and just be happy."
Couples always try to capture those feelings they felt when they first met or first started dating. When i started writing this blog, i meant to say that i wish i could feel all those feelings all over again because that is another thing i miss. But i'm now realizing that i still feel that way. I still feel so safe and incredibly happy when i'm with him, and still so incredibly lost without him. But the difference is i don't feel AS lost as i did before, and i feel EVEN MORE happy when i'm with him. He's my other half, anyone would feel lost without their other half. True, we've had our differences and after almost 3 years we tend to feel very distanced from each other when we're 5 inches from each other. But we really have grown into incredible people. I asked in my previous blog how i am supposed to "rekindle" our magic. I think i found that out. We both knew from the very start that we have and will continue to make a lasting impression on each other, something that no one will ever make us feel. And to this day, no one has ever made me feel what Scott makes me feel, and i'm sure the same applies to him. As long as i know that, and as long as i keep that with me, i'll never lose him and we'll never lose what we have. He loves me, I love him... no one can take that away from us. And even if they do, we'll find our way back to each other. We have something special, i'll never forget that.
I'm in the mood to write. Write this second! Or, right this second. But, alas, I really don't have the time. And what would I say anyway? I've been away from the blog scene for what seems forever and a day. My old haunts have grown and gone, the new, or young, forgotten. And I, after all this time absent, am someone else.
The last time I blogged, in the truest sense of the word, was Summer 2007, and the last time I had anything true to say was in November. Now here I am on this rainy day in May, staving off work with a last ditch effort: peeking into the old, dusty chest of the internet which contains the blogs of friends from days gone by. One in particular, with whom there is a torrid tale and dynamic history, brought back a twinge of excitement--nostalgic though it were--of those days when we used to write. She, too, has vacated; there is nothing left but an overgrown lot in the center of a city where once stood an oft-frequented boutique of the most valuable treasures.
Maybe somebody looks at me and feels that way? Remembers 'the good ol days' and, for an instant, almost tangibly, returns to that era, grasping the effervescent? I can see it, too, when I read over my memories, and I don't want to be that dormant lot; abandoned. For if nothing else, blogging has given me the ability to re-experience those memories as I experienced them in the moment, and to plunge into the darkness of silence, is to ultimately lose the vivacity of them.
